"mahal."

2 years ago.last september.

i know i'm not the only one who's been stupid enough to give into something knowing that it's not the best thing for you.. but this is ridiculous. i never thought i'd be one of those girls whose whole life can be affected by one person. &not just any person, but a lying, selfish, manipulative, snake in the grass. i feel even more stupid because i know all this yet, i still sit and entertain idiotic thoughts that with me he'd be different. that somehow, somewhere, underneath all the bullshit is a good person who really does care.. even if it's not with me. that everything he's said wasn't a complete lie. that somehow, the situation will work out like a fairytale and everyone ends up happy.

i know i'm an idiot &i'm really not used to being in this position. the first man i ever seriously romantically cared about, turned out to be the first man that made a complete fool of me. and i hate that i feel i had no control over any of this. i just found myself caring. it still surprises me how deeply he affects me. if i had a choice.. i wouldn't feel anything. no one has ever disrespected me the way he has. and to be honest, i'm so new to this. my head is not used to romanticizing situations with men.. i've always been able to see the truth and deal with it. it was so easy, it was almost mechanical.

i can't wait to get past all this. blaaaaaah.